© T.H. Warrior – Tender Hearted Warriors
– S.S.P. & E.L.C.
Alternation, modification, transformation, change.
Shifting from one state or situation to another is called change.
People seek change when stuck between a rock and a hard place; when things get uncomfortable. Many have turned to me for help, advice, or a magical turn of events, once something didn’t go their way. However, up until a couple of years ago, I had never noticed how the interpretation of „change“ could affect its consequences.
Usually, when faced with a difficult situation, instead of finding a solution, people turn to the big FAGT: Friends, Alcohol, God, and their more expensive friend, i.e., the Therapist.
From a therapist, they wish to hear the soothing words: that they are not the only ones feeling this way or even being stuck in this trap. And somehow, it’s only logical for every therapist to open the one and only must-be-opened-door: „childhood.“
„Usually, when faced with a difficult situation, instead of finding a solution, people turn to the big FAGT: Friends, Alcohol, God, and their more expensive friend, i.e., the Therapist.“
T.H. WARRIOR
From a friend, a broken heart or a broken person only expects a shoulder to cry on. People want a sheep-like nodding head who agrees with whatever the non-sense they’re saying. If and when they are either rejected or disagreed with, the very friend suddenly becomes a foe.
By drinking alcohol or turning to drugs, not only do people hope to forget the problem that they’re facing, but they wish to be given a free pass for their lack of trying to change the situation they’re in.
And I guess we all know that hopeless people will even pray to their holy shoebox; If that’s what’s going to make their problems spellbindingly disappear.
The FAGT is a door that may or may not get us out of a challenging situation. But it is only a matter of time before the next bad thing hits us hard. As always, we continue blaming everything and everyone around us but ourselves; turning into whatever and whomever we can, trying to find a legitimate excuse for our own doings.
„People will even pray to their holy shoebox; If that’s what’s going to make their problems spellbindingly disappear.“
T.H. WARRIOR
A Persian saying says: „The bride doesn’t know how to dance, and she claims that the dance floor is tilted.” How can an external variable leave a permanent effect on our internal state?
What is really interesting about the willingness to change is that people are usually not after gradual change but sudden transformation. Keto diets or non-sense fasting are good examples.
How can a diet make 20 years’ worth of hamburgers disappear in 20 days?
How can a therapist fix a marriage, which the couple spent their whole life destroying, only in a couple of sessions?
„People are usually not after gradual change but sudden transformation.“
T.H. WARRIOR
A distant target is a clear sign of not being able to shoot. Transformation is no different than change. It is just a higher state of change.
At some point in their lives, everyone has tried to change an unpleasant thing about themselves. But they chose their path wrongly. The problem is not their lack of willingness, but the wrong incentives, which leads them to choose the wrong way.
Let me clarify by politely wrecking a famous therapist solution for a recent break up. i.e., the „No Contact Rule.“
Many desperate people, who have just been broken up with and are financially a little bit better off, turn to couple therapy- and one of the first suggestions the therapist would give them is the NCR, “No Contact Rule.” Basically, people are supposed to go on radio silence and pretend they’re dead online- no text messages, no reaction to Facebook posts, No nothing.
I will make a fair point here and admit that this method does work at times, for those clever ones, who actually take this time to, instead of obsessing over their lost relationship, focus on their own thoughts and doubts. The results here would be threefold: in some cases, the partner who has broken up the relationship will start missing it, and this sudden disappearance would shock them, make them realize that their decision of ending things was rather an emotional one. In most cases, they never come back because their decision was very well thought through. Last but not least, after spending some time with themselves and analyzing their actions, the broken people realize they don’t even want to be in that relationship anymore. Not only do they mend their broken bones, but they also embrace the change that was forced on them.
But generally, this is not what happens with those who claim to be seeking change.
Change would be a misuse of words. Those people are looking for alternation, not change. The difference lies in the fact that there is always an agenda behind alternation. People already have the outcome in their brains. It is not about changing the environment but rather getting out of it and going back to the comfortable past. On the contrary, change is mostly about trial and error until finding the suited solution for the time being.
The future in change is not defined. It is a journey, not a destination. And just like every other aspect of life, it can never be fixed or guaranteed.
Once we understand that all the already changed habits, circumstances, environment, or even rules could or even at times must be changed again, we have gotten a grasp on what life is really about.
It always makes me laugh in tears how society accuses the Brave, who sought change, of having changed and not being the same people.
Instead of embracing them and applauding them for having the courage to go on an uncertain journey, we express our jealousy by attacking them.
Freedom is the ability to change.
And this definition flows more freely and widespread in reality than you could imagine.
Then, and only then are couples free and can work out their marital problems- when their rings don’t act as anchors.
Then, and only then is society free- when its social agreement, i.e., the government, is not a permanent one.
Then, and only then are we free – when no fixed rule has been forced fed into our brains. Our iron laws are fruits of our own convictions and not our favorite television shows.
Another thing that might get in the way of our journey of change is our emotions:
„Our iron laws are fruits of our own convictions and not our favorite television shows.“
T.H. WARRIOR
Fear, anxiety, the feeling of uncertainty about the future, not knowing the results, or how hard it will be for us to get to the other side of the wall. These emotions are set to paralyze us if not used correctly.
„It is not going to happen.“
„We’ve already tried, and it never worked.“
This is that wall that we need to pass.
How do we get past this wall? How do we take our passions and ideas and actually try to put them into use of getting past this wall, and if that’s not a possibility, go around it, go under it or smash through it?
Fear.
We’re most scared of the transition, not the idea. We’re not afraid of the idea, but the journey to the idea.
Have you ever noticed how confused babies are the first time they fall? For a couple of seconds, they are at this neutral phase where they don’t quite understand what just happened, and they are feeling these needle-like senses in their head. Pain, bruises, and a swollen head has never been shown to them or defined for them. Their reaction depends on how their mother reacts. If she freaks out, so will the kid. If the mother keeps her cool and pretends it’s not a big deal, the baby might even end up laughing!
At this „Interesting/Neutral space“ stand the artists, innovators, the inventors, and not to fish for compliments but writers!
They will see and recognize the unusual situation and find it interesting and wonder what they can do with it.
I remember when I had my wisdom teeth pulled out, I asked my doctor to explain the process to me while he was taking my teeth out. He would talk to me every step of the way: „Now, you’ll hear a big crack because I am cutting your tooth in half.“ Had he not told me that, a phobic like myself would jump off the window once they heard their tooth crack.
My point is, as hard as it is to believe, at times, we should listen to those who are older than us, who have gained much more experience than us, or, as my grandmother says, those who haven’t had their hair turned white with dandruff.
At times we must bow down and surrender to the circle of life- the laws of nature.
I see life as a crapshoot. Sometimes things happen before we are ready for them. Loved ones leave, get sick, die. There is nothing internal or personal about it. But when it is not nature’s doing, it is always our doing. Our lives are the results of a series of decisions.
When faced with a difficult challenge, instead of changing the rules of the game, maybe we should change the way we play. Instead of blaming everyone or everything around us, our fathers, the president, the exchange rate, our former lovers, or our periods, we need to change our strategies by first analyzing our contributions to the damage. Our parts of the mess. Our roles, and ourselves.
„All we need to do is set our minds free.“
Decide if we want to be the warden of our mind or its liberator.
Are we here to just eat, sleep and consume? Or are we here to make a difference and leave our unique footprints?
Imagine your own grave. What would be written on it?
As human beings we must contribute- we must make a difference. We are here for only a certain amount of time, and we must make something out of it.
Tolkien said: „All we have to decide is what to do with the time we have.“
We can keep things the same, or we can make a difference. But we cannot do both. That is the choice we’ve got to make.