© T.H. Warrior – Tender Hearted Warriors
– S.S.P. & E.L.C.
“There is no holy life. There is no war between good and evil. There is no sin and no redemption. None of these things matter to the real you. But they all matter hugely to the false you, the one who believes in the separate self. You have tried to take your separate self, with all its loneliness and anxiety and pride, to the door of enlightenment. But it will never go through, because it is a ghost.”
Deepak Chopra
One of the most challenging and central issues in achieving spiritual awareness and enlightenment is believing in right and wrong. This belief is so ingrained in many of us that it is almost impossible for most of us to even imagine a state of consciousness beyond right and wrong. The problem is that whenever our mind strikes a situation, it tends to define it as good or bad, or, right or wrong. This judgment comes from our souls. The soul needs to be right, and to be right; there must be a mistake. That is why we spend our days and nights comparing. We compare political factions, religion, lifestyle, parenting, culture, and everything.
Your soul, just like mine and that of every other human being on earth, is obliged by a stringent policy that it considers right. This is what I like to call „the subjective righteousness.“ But among seven billion people on earth, how can one know who holds the golden key to the „right way“ for everything?! Is there such a person? Who knows the right way to cook, the right god to worship, the right nationality, the right culture, and the right reason to kill human beings?!
When it comes to right and wrong, religions are excellent examples of these iron laws. Don’t get me wrong; Islam, Christianity, or Buddhism are the classical categories of religions. I am talking about the more subtle yet dangerous type of faith, i.e., the „main-stream“:
You don’t wear jeans to a wedding. You can’t add salt to a desert. It’s wrong to break up with someone right before valentine’s day. You can’t be single forever. There is something wrong with you if you spend Friday night alone rather than at the bar, and the list goes on and on.
The thing is that we can never define right and wrong, even situationally or subjectively. Because there is no one way. Humans have been fighting on this planet for thousands of years for what they thought was right, when in fact, they were acting on their own level of consciousness. We all spend a lot of time blaming others. With the justification that we are right, and others are wrong! But all these accusations, judgments, and comparisons have never solved a problem and only created separation. If everyone indeed does their best while being aware of what they can at the moment, will there ever be room for accusations and judgments?
I first was enlightened by this point when the actions of an old neighbor of ours seemed way too absurd to me. My sister was telling me a story about this neighbor. And for the first time in years, I did not move my head left to right. I did not feel sorry for her. I did not accuse her of being stupid. I did not judge her. I simply remembered what kind of a household I was raised in and where she was raised in. I thought of all the opportunities I had over the years, to fail, break, get destroyed, and get up again, and what she had. Judging her for so long was my benchmark to feel better about myself. There was nothing wrong with what she was doing. She was doing her best, from her own perspective.
Self-perception of reality is what shapes our judgment of the outside world. However, the nature of this judgment is what our soul wants. So, in fact, what happens, is that the soul accuses and judges in accordance with its own desires. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? And that’s how traditions, common sense, patterns, and rules made us suffer for generations. Will there ever be an end to this vicious circle?
There will be if we fight anger with empathy. Respond to blame with compassion, cruelty with kindness, and resentment with a smile. When you find fault with others, forgive them and forget about them.
Going beyond the old „good and bad“ or „right and wrong“ is not an easy task at all. It is essential to understand that we cannot impose a level of full consciousness on ourselves. Still, we can only bring more presence and attention into our lives and communicate more directly with our souls, which in return causes our level of consciousness to grow gradually but naturally.
„There will be if we fight anger with empathy. Respond to blame with compassion, cruelty with kindness, and resentment with a smile. When you find fault with others, forgive them and forget about them.“
T.H. Warrior
Rationally and deep down, we may know that there is no right or wrong, but if our soul is still at a point where it is judging reality, we should only be aware of it and not blame ourselves for it. The evolution of our new consciousness will eventually go beyond the duality of our minds. So until then, all we can do is give ourselves unconditional love, a love that will ultimately be passed on to others. Loving people without any conditions is the only way to change them, and loving ourselves that way, is the only way to change ourselves. As Yehuda Berg said: „Love, is the weapon of the future.“
I remember the night before the day I was getting ready for the biggest apology of my life:
I drank 1.5 liters of wine, cried my soul out, was up until 6 am, and was about to pitch my apology by 9:30. Little did I know that apology could never be accepted. Because the first person who should’ve accepted it was me. How could I ask for someone else’s forgiveness when I hadn’t even forgiven myself yet? Why would someone believe I was sorry for the wrong I’d done when even I hadn’t believed it yet?
Wait… did I not believe the apology? Or did I not believe that I had done something wrong?
It took me a whole summer to realize the answer to that question.
For that, I first learned how to love myself again. I let go of my dark clouds and took a good look at myself in the mirror. Before that, all I could see was a pair of eyes filled with despair and regrets. Then one morning I woke up and I not only saw myself but looked at myself. I could finally see what others saw. I was something. Wow, I’m smart, beautiful, funny… Wait… I am there again.
Suddenly I found myself on the very day, and at that very place, in which I had made a life-altering decision. It was as if I was looking at myself from the beyond. To my surprise, I didn’t want to yell at myself back then, didn’t want to talk myself out of that decision, didn’t want to do anything but hug myself. I did need a hug that day. And that was when I realized:
That was the best decision I had taken; I could’ve taken—the one I would’ve made. There was no right and wrong. There was just a comparison of the alternatives and nothing more.
Don’t get me wrong now. Life is not all about yourself. Throughout your life span, you come across others. People come and go. Of course, it is not your responsibility to protect them from getting hurt, but you cannot harm others trying not to get hurt yourself.
We apologize because of two reasons:
The first and the most common one is that we want and need to maintain our relationship with the one we wronged. The second reason is that we want to liberate our consciousness. Bottom line: It’s not about them. It’s about us- Knowing this will help us throughout the apology.
To most people, an apology is the word: „sorry.“ Sometimes a gift or a gesture.
To a few, an apology is a journey:
„That was the best decision I had taken; I could’ve taken—the one I would’ve made. There was no right and wrong. There was just a comparison of the alternatives and nothing more.“
T.H. Warrior
Have you heard the saying, „Apology is the 8th art“? This short sentence has a lot of weight and mass to it. Do you remember what the first art you learned was? Most children start with coloring; they first learn to paint in a proportionate, rhythmic, and beautiful way until they reach the next stage of painting. The most important thing to be careful about was not to go out of line and not to leave a single white dot inside the picture. Our paintings were balanced and did not fall into excesses.
Apologizing is a behavioral art:
You should be careful not to overdo it. Otherwise, you will damage your self-esteem.
You can’t be too stingy about it either. You will have to let your guards down so that others can too.
Most people need this simple single word: „sorry.“ It would be either your ticket in or out. Regardless, they need to hear it, so you have to say it immediately.
The next step is to forgive yourself. In order to understand yourself, you first need to forgive yourself. You can never analyze your behavior unless you understand it.
Once you are done analyzing, you have to ask yourself a very important question: Am I going to behave like this again?
See, there’s one thing when a financial accountant over-or under books provisions in one year up to 2%. But it is another thing when they commit tax fraud.
Now imagine this accountant being confronted:
They cannot promise not to ever make a mistake again. Especially in financial accounting, that is a bit of an unrealistic overpromise. But can someone who once stole, to begin with, simply promise that they will never steal again?
People won’t change behavior, unless there’s a price to pay.
You should ask yourself: „Do I deserve this forgiveness, or must I pay the price?“
You need to know your audience. In my case, the best I could do was to walk. The best apology I could offer that person was to give them enough liberty to resent me, forgive me, forget me, do whatever they wanted to do with me. When you push yourself on someone after you know you have wronged them, you only add fuel to the fire. Remember my article, hope? You should not walk from a situation with an agenda in mind. You should walk and let time do its magic. Focus on yourself. Learn how to love yourself. As long as you love yourself, people will love you. No matter if they leave or stay, people will find you, and they will love you.
Now, why did I emphasize the word „them“?
There is no right and wrong except for our own.
If others opened the door of their heart and soul, let you in, showed you their own rights and wrongs, and you betrayed them, then you owe them an apology.
„If people refuse to look at you in a new light and they can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistakes you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to go.“
― Steve Maraboli